Wake the F*ck Up!

On my way home from work today, I was busy leaving a Marco Polo message for my best friend. If you're not familiar with said Marco Polo app, it's basically video messaging. I'm aware how utterly preposterous it is to continue on in this way given that many much simpler things like FaceTime, Google Chat, Zoom, text messaging and PHONE CALLS exist. However, this is our preferred form of communication and we like it that way. We are single-handedly keeping the Marco alive...sorry not sorry. Anyway, I'm leaving this message - no, rant. I'm straight ranting to her about something work related that just completely set me off. I end the rant exasperatedly saying something along the lines of "why is this still what I'm doing with my life?!?!?!"

I "hang up" and tune back into my favorite podcast. As if on cue, in mid pod-conversation, this woman says "it's like that Annie Dillard quote 'how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.'" *cue record scratch* Wait, what? I skipped back a bit and played it again. And again. Did I hear that right? Was she talking to me? Did she hear me just now? Did she hear my awful rant and reach into my car to say "Hey! Hey you! WAKE THE F*CK UP!" I played it again. I pulled up to my house and just sat there in the car frozen in time. I wasn't able to open the door yet. I couldn't tell you what else they said after that. I was numb.

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."

Suddenly, a million conversations flood my mind. Conversations with friends, family, my husband (so so many with my wonderful and supportive husband), colleagues, coworkers. Conversations about feeling lost and stuck and confused. Conversations about how this title, this role of nurse doesn't feel like it once did. Conversations about how this industry no longer has my trust and respect. Conversations about how I KNOW in my deepest depths that I'm meant to do more than assist plastic surgeons and suture (even though I'm pretty damn good at it) and that I'm meant to EMPOWER the people to actually get well. Conversations about starting my private wellness practice. Conversations that have been met with confused or patronizing looks from some but excitement from others. Conversations about being bored and wishing I remembered how to have fun. Conversations that have essentially fallen on deaf ears.

Sadly, the deaf ears are my own.

It's not that I don't believe what I'm saying in those conversations. Or that I don't want to take action. It's just that I'm not. I'm passively allowing my days to be filled up with "all the things" without discerning what's actually important to me. Of course, I prioritize my family and I have to make time for work and the chores that come along with running a home. The question is why is building my Field of Dreams (thank you Kevin Costner) not given the same level of priority on the list? Why do I tell myself that I'll get to have the fun and be the things I want to be when I finish my chores? News flash: the chores are never done babe. Never!

This one line quote hit me hard. It rocked me. Spoiler: I don't have any answers. I don't really know what waking the f*ck up looks like. But I do know that I've got to try. I know that, at the end when they ask what I did with my life, I want to have a solid answer. I know I don't want to say "ummm, all the things I guess?" like I say to myself at the end of most days when I'm wondering where the time went. And I know that the best way to try is to start with the first small step. I'm a work in progress and I will always be just a person taking one small step after another.

Pledge to me from me: I will put one thing on the list everyday that is a non-negotiable reward to myself. I will remember that I earned it just by living to see another day -by waking up! I will not wait until the chores are done to collect my prize. It is not about living a life I deserve but spending my days living life. I will wake the f*ck up and stay awake. And on my deathbed, I will look back on the choices I made today, smile and say "damn! I really did LIVE!"

(Please note: I have decided that part of this living means I will write and not edit or worry about jazzing up the post with images.  This blog is something I do bc I enjoy it and the fun is in the writing.  Deathbed me says "forget re-writes and pics.  Click Publish already!")