23 Unfiltered Things about Me

I was recently reminded on a podcast about those little quizzes that used to go around Facebook. One in particular was "25 Things about Me." The woman was saying that this exercise is part of what launch her writing career. She also said she did it wrong because she answered honestly and vulnerably and not with her public self. It got me thinking... Maybe the world just needs to read more people being un apologetically vulnerable and real so that all the facades can begin to come down.

So, here's my attempted at breaking through some walls. Full disclosure: I'm going to write this and then post it without ever proofreading. It's the roughest draft ever. I welcome and encourage any comments.

1. This list is 23 things because 23 is my favorite number. Odd numbers make me uncomfortable so I have no idea how I ended up with a favorite number like 23.

2. I can't remember the last time I could chew on both sides of my mouth. No joke there is always one side I can't eat on because of some random tooth issue. I take care of my teeth but they just suck. FYI... I can only eat on the left side right now.

3. I'm a huge overthinker. I'm already overthinking writing that.

4. I'm a "big picture" person which means I have plenty of awesome and grand ideas but no clue how I'm going to get to them.

5. I love music and consider it a religion.

6. When I'm alone, I struggle to figure out what kind of music I like or want to listen to these days.

7. I am 44 years old and only just now figuring out what I actually consider fun or what I like.

8. I have formed a script of shame around the fact that I've changed jobs so often in my life. I'm still working on changing that.

9. I Marco Polo almost daily with my bff the same way preteen girls used to tie up phone lines and get yelled at by their parents when I was 11. Note: this was a time before cell phones and at the dawn of "call waiting" and "three-way-calling." That shit pissed dads right off!

10. I could live without make-up for the rest of my life...except mascara. The only thing I do without mascara on is sleep.

11. I love to feed people. One of the simplest joys in my life is seeing someone devour something delicious I made for them.

12. I'm not a baby person. Don't get me wrong. They're adorable and sweet and I am in absolute awe of the miracle of new life. I love to snuggle them....and then give them back. The only thing I miss about those infant days were the moments when they are asleep and no one else is home but me and the house felt so full and silent and peaceful all at once. There should be a word for that feeling. And a candle.

13. Dogs. Not cats. I have two cats (the third died a few years ago) bc I couldn't resist bringing them home to foster them and then couldn't send them away. They could care less about me and are hands down my only real competition in the battle for my husband's affection.

14. I don't care for small talk. I am friendly and sociable. I can and will talk to just about any one about anything. My favorite moments are when I can sit with someone and talk about the REAL stuff. The hard stuff. I don't mean politics. I mean the stuff that makes you think and learn more about yourself as a human. I don't need us to agree - in fact, I love to hear the other side. Side note: my friend Jocelyn is my favorite person to ever do this with.

15. Since I started this blog-type-thingy, I see everything as a potentially post-able story.

16. I have loved every second of my career as a surgical First Assistant but have zero reservations about walking away from it for this new chapter.

17. I'm a lazy fish tank owner.

18. Most of the time, when I'm in the car alone, I am in silence.

19. Sleep is my favorite. I will never turn down a nap or early bed time or chance to sleep in late.

20. I miss living in California at some point every single day and I was only there for about 6 months. Every. Damn. Day.

21. I feel alone most of the time. Not alone like without people around. I actually crave moments like that because they don't happen often. I mean alone like "no one else out there gets me or has these feelings." I guess that's part of why I started this.

22. When someone says "remember when you used to be fun?" what I hear is "remember when you used to go along with all the things I think are fun and enjoy yourself even though it wasn't actually what you thought was fun but you went with it because you were easy going and didn't have your time sucked up by all the child-rearing so time didn't seem so precious?" It makes me seethe. It makes me want to lash out. I have to stifle the incredibly mean responses it automatically generates.

23. One of my biggest struggles in life is disappointment. Often times, I don't say all the things in my heart because I want to disappoint someone. I constantly play this game with myself about whether or not it absolutely needs to be said or is there a way I can work around it at least for now.

Okay. That's it. This is me. This is intimidating and terrifying and vulnerable but I'm hitting publish in a moment. I hope that, as you read this very real outpouring of things about me, you see the human in me with the very real human in you. Maybe you laugh at some. Maybe some make you uncomfortable. But if even just one of these made you feel less alone in this life, this was worth writing.